


Kiss My Dorsal Fin

by SpectreAntiHero



Series: Better with Disney [1]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Parody, fairy tale on crack, merfolk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-25
Updated: 2013-08-25
Packaged: 2017-12-24 14:32:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/941103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpectreAntiHero/pseuds/SpectreAntiHero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Varric and Hawke are merfolk. Hawke wants to be human and so she turns to Flemeth. While she's on the surface everything she does to get Anders' attention is ignored. Wanting to save his friend, Varric uses his magic to get them onto a boat and thus begins a famous scene from The Little Mermaid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kiss My Dorsal Fin

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic that was written entirely under the influence of Mountain Dew and lack of sleep. Enjoy my crazy nod to The Little Mermaid and my favorite pairing from Dragon Age.

Varric Tethras was beginning to be very annoyed. When he’d first begun to softly sing to Zoey Hawke and Anders to set the mood, his temper hadn’t been exactly the best. The merman didn’t like that the woman he’d been secretly in love with for years had decided to throw aside her life on the off chance that maybe a human would love her. 

Zoey had gone off to that horrible sea witch Flemeth and here they were: she had to have true love’s kiss before the sunset on the third day of being a human or she’d become one of those horrible seaweed creatures that parents used to scare their children into behaving. It was killing him, to watch her being wooed by that idiot man. Or maybe he should say, not being wooed by him.

Just because he was some rebel for some idiotic human cause, he’d attracted her with his protests on the shore. Zoey had mooned after him for ages, sighing over his voice and looks. Of course she’d had to go off and do perhaps the stupidest thing in her life - and there was a lot that his friend had done that could only be described as foolishness. If he’d had his way he would have killed the sea witch and solved Zoey’s problem for her, but Flemeth was very old and very powerful. The merman strongly doubted that he could take her even with his lovely Bianca at his side.

So now he had to sit in the background while this moron got his girl and it was like sea lice were itching under his scales. He didn’t want Zoey to suffer but he didn’t know how long he could keep himself from wrapping his large hands around the Discoscaphites’ throat and squeezing until he breathed his last. As a last resort to his sanity, Varric had decided that maybe if he sang to them it would possibly hurry this whole thing up and get the blathering simpleton to do the deed so they could all go home. 

As his rich baritone urged the two closer together with talk of kissing, he saw Hawke’s eager eyes begging Anders mutely to kiss her so that they could have their happy ever after but still the human waffled. He talked on and on at length about what a great cause he was trying to achieve, how he couldn’t wait to show her what would become of the group he sought to destroy, etc., etc. It was more entertaining listening to nails on a shell.

After about ten minutes of this, Varric had had enough. If this Anders fellow wasn’t going to make his move, he would gladly oblige. With a giant splash of his flukes he launched himself out of the water and into the boat. Shoving a very shocked Anders into the lagoon, he grabbed Zoey and planted a large, lingering kiss on her. 

At first she was angry and resistant, but as time went on she began to respond to the caress of his lips on hers. He was well practiced, but his passion was more what drove the kiss to new heights. It was everything that Varric had ever dreamed that it would be and it felt like Zoey felt the spark as well. Zoey sighed into his mouth and eventually whispered his name. Pulling back, Varric gaped at her. 

“Hawke, how did you do that?” He asked, incredulously.

“Do what? And Varric, it’s not very nice to kiss a girl and leave her wanting for more.” Zoey pouted at him cutely, crossing her arms over her chest.

Varric prodded her in the arm to get her to pay attention. “You’re talking. Didn’t that sea cow steal your voice as payment for turning you human?” 

“Only until I received true love’s kiss.” Zoey told him, before dipping in for another of Varric’s kisses.

He was only too happy to let her steal as many kisses as she’d like, but he had to point out, “Beautiful, I think you’re talking right now.” 

Zoey made a frustrated noise before she pulled back and did a comical double take. “But I haven’t kissed Anders yet! How can I possibly be talking?” 

“I think maybe he was more an infatuation?” Varric questioned before looking Zoey up and down. “And I hate to break it to you, but it looks like we’re both back to being merfolk now.”

“Huh.” It was taking a long time for the mermaid to take everything in. “Does that mean that you’re my true love?”

“I’m thinking so.” He chuckled at the look of intense concentration on her face. “Does that bother you?” He was nervous for the answer, but he had to be sure that she was okay with whatever had happened between them just now.

“Well, I never considered that a possibility but maybe we can work things out when we get home.” Zoey muttered a bit under her breath. “I mean, you’ve always been my best friend and I love you dearly. Plus, you’re a total hunk. I could definitely do a lot worse for a lifemate.”

“Aww Hawke, you say the sweetest things!” Shaking his head in exasperation, he slid out of the boat and offered a hand to Hawke. “Come on beautiful, let’s get you home. I bet Merrill’s worried sick and I don’t want to see Fenris brooding any more than normal. We can have our happy ever after when we’re home safe and sound. I can’t wait to see the look on Flemeth’s face when she sees how you foiled her no doubt dastardly plan of stealing you into her collection.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was done with no beta, so if it's bad you can totally blame me.


End file.
